Setting boundaries with extended family who don’t “get it”

When your child has a medical condition, neurodiversity, or special needs, it’s natural to want the support of extended family. But what happens when well-meaning relatives just don’t get it?

Maybe a grandparent insists, “She just needs more discipline,” or an aunt says, “He’ll grow out of it.” Perhaps family members downplay your child’s diagnosis, push unhelpful advice, or resist making accommodations when you visit. Maybe you had an experience like I did? Even though 15 years prior to having my son I worked with special needs children AND had a brother on the spectrum I still listened to family members input on my son’s struggles. In my postpartum haze I started to question if my hunch he was on the spectrum was incorrect—I started to feel guilty and internalize the messaging that I was doing motherhood wrong.

“He’s fine”

“Why rush? Children develop at different rates.”

“Have you tried reading him books?”

“It’s almost like you WANT him to be autistic”

Or the best one…”Maybe you just have postpartum depression and aren’t talking to him enough”

That last one stung because I DID have postpartum depression! It seemed to confirm my deepest fear I was failing at being a mother. After hearing that off-hand remark I ignored my gut and waited for testing until the signs were way too obvious and I felt more capable. We went through a lot of testing during the pandemic with mixed results. Of course, when I got a comprehensive evaluation it turned out (like most parents with that feeling) I was correct.

These moments can be frustrating, invalidating, and exhausting. But here’s the good news: You can set loving but firm boundaries to protect your child and your own peace of mind. Let’s talk about how to do that.

1. Get Clear on Your Own Boundaries First

Before addressing family, take a moment to define what’s okay and what’s not when it comes to:

✅ How they talk about your child – (“No calling him ‘bad’ because of his tics.”)
✅ How they interact with your child – (“Please don’t force her to hug if she’s uncomfortable.”)
✅ How they support (or don’t support) your parenting – (“We need you to respect our decision to avoid certain foods due to sensory issues.”)

💡 Tip: If you’re feeling guilty about setting boundaries, remember—boundaries protect relationships. They’re not about control; they’re about creating a safe and supportive environment for your child.

2. Educate (When Possible) Without Over-Explaining

Some family members genuinely want to understand but lack the knowledge. Others may resist learning, but a little education can go a long way.

🗣️ Instead of: “You need to stop saying that—it’s offensive.”
✅ Try: “Telling us he’ll ‘grow out of it’ isn’t helpful. His condition is lifelong, but with the right support, he can thrive.”

📌 For the curious but uninformed → Offer resources, like a short article or video. “I know this is new for you. Here’s a quick explanation that helped us understand.”

📌 For the dismissive family member → Keep it brief: “We’re following our doctors’ recommendations, and we need you to respect that.”

💡 Tip: You don’t need to convince people of your child’s needs—just set the expectation that they will be respected.

3. Use “I” Statements to Set Firm but Kind Limits

When relatives question your parenting or dismiss your child’s needs, direct but calm communication is key.

🔹 Instead of: “Stop feeding him that! We already told you he can’t have dairy.”
✅ Try: “I know it’s different from how you did things, but dairy makes him sick. Please don’t offer it.”

🔹 Instead of: “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
✅ Try: “I know you mean well, but we need support, not criticism.”

🔹 Instead of: “Stop telling her she’s faking it.”
✅ Try: “Our child needs to feel safe in this family. That means no comments questioning her experience.”

💡 Tip: If certain relatives are repeatedly disrespecting your boundaries, it’s okay to reduce contact or set stricter limits. Your child’s well-being comes first.

4. Set Boundaries Around Family Gatherings

Holidays, birthdays, and get-togethers can be tricky when family members don’t understand your child’s needs.

🛑 If gatherings are overstimulating:
✅ “We’ll be there for an hour, but then we’ll need to head home to avoid sensory overload.”

🛑 If people push unwanted advice:
✅ “We appreciate your concern, but we have a care plan in place, and we’re sticking with it.”

🛑 If someone refuses to respect boundaries:
✅ “If comments about her autism continue, we’ll have to leave early.”

💡 Tip: If big gatherings are stressful, consider smaller get-togethers or hosting at your own home, where you can control the environment.

5. Find Your “Go-To” Exit Strategy

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, a family member will cross the line. Having a prepared response can help you handle it without feeling flustered.

🎭 The Graceful Redirect → “Let’s change the subject—how’s your garden doing?”
🚪 The Firm Cut-Off → “I’m not going to continue this conversation.”
👋 The Polite Goodbye → “Looks like we need to head out now. We’ll catch up later!”

💡 Tip: If certain relatives are consistently toxic, it’s okay to limit or step back from the relationship. Boundaries don’t require permission—they require commitment to protecting your peace.

6. Prioritize YOUR Mental and Emotional Health

Let’s be honest—dealing with resistant family members is draining. If you’re feeling constantly frustrated, anxious, or exhausted by these interactions, you are not alone.

🌿 Ways to protect your well-being:
✅ Vent to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group.
✅ Take deep breaths before responding to triggering comments.
✅ Give yourself permission to skip gatherings that feel more harmful than helpful.
✅ Remember—you’re doing an amazing job advocating for your child.

💡 Tip: Boundaries aren’t about changing other people—they’re about protecting your child’s peace and your own.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Respect and Support

At the end of the day, you can’t control how extended family reacts—but you can control what you allow in your space.

💛 You are not being dramatic.
💛 You are not overreacting.
💛 You are setting healthy limits for the well-being of your family.

Some relatives will learn and grow. Others may not. Either way, you have the right to set and enforce boundaries that make your family feel safe, respected, and supported.

✨ Have you had to set boundaries with extended family? Share your experiences in the comments—I’d love to hear how you’ve navigated this!